There’s one day in the year we’re especially nice to our loved ones. There’s also another day we’re patient and generous with our time. And yet another that we’re considerate, amiable, sociable and conciliatory. We try to be our best selves on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. But what about the other days in the year?
Life in the fast lane often leaves us with spare precious time for romantic gestures during the ordinary work week. So what are some things we can do about it?
Based on recent research, there are actually a few small steps which can make all the difference. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
1. Am I picking a fight because I’m hungry?
A 2014 study found that couples were more likely to choose to subject their spouse to irritating or annoying sounds (fingernails against a blackboard or ambulance siren) when they were hungry (and having low blood sugar levels). So, have a meal or snack before you engage in verbal battles!
2. Am I punctual? Do I do what I say I’ll do?
A recent study found that couples who intentionally gave as much as priority to their partner as to their work, were less physically and emotionally stressed. Having a relationship work ethic means investing in your relationship, “putting the same kind of energy into active listening, planning time together, finding a workable solution for sharing household tasks, and handling personal stress so that it doesn’t spill over into the relationship” (sciencedaily.com).
3. Do I appreciate my partner and express my appreciation to him/her?
Research shows that successful relationships are rooted in a culture of trust and intimacy. These couples seek to express appreciation for their partner; they also respond in such a way as to meet their partner’s emotional needs. In contrast, the silent treatment — where one responds to demands from one’s partner’s by withdrawing — is a sign of distress within a relationship. The key to a successful relationship is kindness. So practice kindness, starting with this resource list and these ideas.
4. Would I watch and talk about these movies with my partner?
A recent study found that having couples watch and discuss one relationship movie a week over a period of a month, was as effective as conflict management training and compassion and acceptance training in reducing divorce-and-separation rates. Couples trained to manage conflict were encouraged to use active listening when communicating with their spouse, while those trained to communicate with compassion and empathy were encouraged to practice random acts of kindness and affection and to communicate effectively. So if attending therapy sessions is daunting, get comfy on the sofa and discuss these questions with your partner after the movie ends.